Two Years, Two Lessons

A few days ago, Dave and I celebrated two years of married life together! In some ways, it seems like we have been married forever, but in a lot of ways,  it seems like just yesterday, we were doing this....

And this....

Year 2 brought a new job (Dave started at a new firm a few weeks ago), passed exams (5 down, 2 to go), tons of travels (NYC, Harper's Ferry, Canada, Rosemary Beach, State College), a paid off car note, savings for our one day home, a new apartment, tons of visitors, a new nephew, lots of growth, some heartache and loss - and lots of JOY and LAUGHTER!

Just a few of this year's memories....

Stealing Kisses

Harper's Ferry

Cherry Blossoms

Easter

Toronto, Canada

Rosemary Beach, FL

Macy's Parade, NYC

Valentines Day, State College

We celebrated a day early with dinner at Founding Farmers and Shake Shack for dessert.  I cooked us a good breakfast the next morning and we sat on the porch to eat and toast with our wedding flutes! We then spent the day being DC tourists!

2nd Anniversary!

I am still learning this whole "marriage" thing, so I don't have too much advice to offer yet. However, I will share two lessons I have learned to help keep our marriage happy and growing!

(1) Remember that each day in marriage is a blessing (and one that you are not promised)

One of the things that most helps me remain joyful in my marriage is that I spent most of my twenties not married. What I mean by that statement: I know that marriage is not promised. I know that there are men and women who would love to meet the right person to settle down with, but life has not happened just as they hoped.  I know there are widows/widowers who have to move on daily without their life partners. So, I also know that despite the cover stealing, bickering, chore sharing, finance discussing drama that marriage can bring, I am very lucky to be married to my sweet Dave.

Don't get me wrong -- there are moments where Dave irritates me incredibly (and probably far more moments where he can't stand me). But, when I start to complain or focus on problems in life and marriage, I try to remind myself how fortunate I am to have a great husband and how so many men and women are hoping to meet some one or are recovering from losing someone.  Often times, the thing we complain about is what someone else is what someone else longs for! And, at one point in time, this particular gift was something I longed for as well!

Marriage is a blessing - and I don't always see it that way, but when I remember how fortunate I am, my perspective towards my husband and the hassles of matrimony changes.



(2) Keep a long record of the good and short record of the bad.

Remember all the fun things about your marriage, all the kind things your spouse does, all the great dates and fun trips and flirty texts and sweet goodbye kisses.  Be thankful and appreciative of all these things. Be verbally appreciative and be reciprocal.  But, try not to hold on to the bad memories, fights, hurtful words. It's easier to keep account of the bad than the good, but the good is the stuff worth remembering!

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Oh, and Have Fun! People talk a lot about how hard marriage is -- and it can be really hard (but then again, life - in general - is sometimes really hard.) but we often make it sound all "doom and gloom"  Marriage can also be a blast!   I recently filled out an "advice card" at a bridal luncheon with advice from the guests for the bride.  My last piece of advice was "Have Fun" because spending life with your best friend can be crazy fun.  And, it's those happy moments that get you through the tough ones.

Lucky and Loved: Snapshots of Valentines

I hope everyone had a happy and warm holiday weekend - full of chocolate, wine, cheesy chic flicks, friends and lots of LOVE.  Oh, and I hope that lots of you were able to extend your 3 day weekend into a 4 day weekend by enjoying a SNOW day at home Tuesday.

We spent the weekend in State College, PA visiting my sister, her husband and the world's cutest little nephews.  Dave studied. I read. We talked and laughed and were climbed all over by my 3.5 year old nephew (Jack). Poor thing -- lots of cold weather days with no opportunity to run around makes you REALLY antsy!  I flipped through Marley's new cookbook and drooled over recipes I want to try. I took a nap and went to bed early and played with puzzles and snuggled a 5 month old.  I made a new recipe (low fat breakfast casserole) and enjoyed Marley's cooking. Sunday, when it was REALLY cold (below zero temps), I took Jackie boy out for ice cream. (The kid could eat "chocat" ice cream with sprinkles ANY time of the year!)

Dave bought me lovely flowers (which I sadly forgot to bring home) and a massage which I can't wait to use!  I bought him a framed print, spring polo (wishful thinking that SPRING will arrive quickly right?!?!?), socks (adults get socks as a Vday gift -- especially when SAID adults whine about not having enough socks weekly).  We enjoyed a Valentines brunch with my sister and brother in law's friends - and dinner out at Happy Valley Brewery.

All in all, it was a relaxing weekend - which I needed and enjoyed. The only stressful moment was braving the grocery store on Monday when we returned -- shopping at the end of a 3 day weekend before a snow storm hits is a bad idea.  But, we literally only bought apples, eggs, milk and bread last week - and girl scout cookies, so shopping was a must.  Fortunately for us, that brief stressful moment was followed by a deliciously lazy snow day (another post for another day). Long live the 4 day weekend!

Here of snapshots of all the love in our lives this weekend:

Valentines Flowers....

My little Valentines...

Valentines Double Date to HAPPY VALLEY BREWERY......

Sunday loving with my "hood-lum"

Ice Cream Trip with Jackie boy -- in negative temps.  This is the best picture you can get of him when you try to distract him from ice cream to take a picture.  Photogenic right??  And this kid can inhale some ice cream......

I hope your lives were filled with love and friendship last weekend too!

To the one who loves me so well

I've never been a big Valentines lover-- but the reverse is also true: I have never been a Valentines hater.  It's a fun day to enjoy cheesy cards, gorge on way too sweet chocolate and drink a glass or two of wine.  I celebrate with Dave but it's rarely a big deal -- for example, last year we just grabbed burgers at Good Stuff Eatery. When I was single, It was never a hard day for me to endure.  I never felt I was missing out and I never felt unloved. (Just remember, chocolate and wine can be enjoyed with or without a man) Unlike other major holidays including Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, New Years, I've always viewed Valentines as a fun commercial holiday meant mostly for children.  It was a fun excuse to celebrate, but nothing more!

But, this year is different. Never have I been so grateful for my Valentine.  This week, life has thrown a major curve ball our way. (sorry to be cryptic, a different conversation for a different day) The past several days have been some of the hardest of my life. It's been a week full of pain, tears, lots of prayers and holding each other up. And as hard as the past several days have been, I am extremely grateful for my sweet husband. The praise that remains on my heart: "Thank you Jesus that I have Dave. Thank you that I don't have to do life's hard parts alone." Dave is the rock for our family - and having someone to share life's burdens with does indeed make the load a little lighter.

You see, the week before Valentines 2015 has seemed to be the darkest of times, not a time for red balloons, conversation hearts, flowers, love notes and heart shaped boxes of chocolates.  Yet, this Valentines, I have never felt more loved.  I have a dear husband who has loved me so well amid life's trials.  He has taken care of my physical needs, done more than his fair share of chores, held me when I cried, prayed over me, comforted me and tried so very hard to make me laugh.  He has honored the hard part of the vows (for better, FOR WORSE) in ways I never imagined. I know that not everyone is blessed in this way, so I am grateful, truly truly grateful. I am truly fortunate to have a husband that loves me so actively and purposefully, even when he, himself, is hurting.

At the moment, our many blessings seem hidden in brokeness. Some of our future hopes and dreams seem unclear and far away. But one thing I have never been more sure about is the man I married!!  Life may seem uncertain, but I have never felt more certain of who I am doing life with.

So, on a day that I typically view as over-commercialized and a bit coerced, this Valentines, I truly want to celebrate! My life is filled with love - from so many people, but most importantly from a man who lives his vows daily, not just on February 14th. I am blessed to love and be loved by such an amazing godly man.

I pray for 50+ years with this sweet man - and I know there will be as many downs as there are ups. But, I feel prepared for all of life's challenges, so long as I get to face them with Dave by my side.  I am so thankful for my Valentine who loves me just as well on February 15 as he does the day before. He makes me stronger, kinder, more hopeful and a better version of myself.  He reminds me to have faith and he reminds me of our blessings. He loves actively, not just with fluffy words and over the top gestures, but with real sacrifice, service and daily commitment. Most importantly, my husband points me to the One who loves me even better than he ever could.

Oh, and he makes me laugh constantly, still tries to flirt with me and has the prettiest blue eyes. I'm a very lucky girl to be loved by him- and this Valentines, I am aware of this blessing more than every before.

(Seriously, looks at those blue eyes!)

P.S. For you sweet single ladies who are still waiting, this is what I pray for you....Valentines Days (and ordinary days) full of love, commitment and sacrifice. I pray you find husbands that make your happy days even more joyful and your hard days a bit more bearable. (and of course I pray that you bring the same sense of joy, comfort and support to him!) Find a man who will hold you when you cry, pick up soup and crackers on his way home from work when you are sick, rub your back when you are pregnant and uncomfortable, take over the chores when you have an awful week at work, help you bathe the vomit off the sick kids and willingly pick up tampons at the store!  It may not be a scene from your favorite rom-com, but this, dear friends, is where love and life gets good :)

P.S.S. I think I may have said something above along the lines of  "this Valentines will not include a lot of candy, flowers, love notes, etc" That's partly a lie.  There will be chocolate and wine. Always wine.

Love: Choosing Well

If you have read my blog for several months or follow me on facebook, you've probably seen me post articles about soul mates and you have realized by now that I don't buy into the whole "Soul mate" theory on love. I don't think we have a soul mate that meets all our needs and I don't believe we find that person and live a life of rainbows, unicorns and flowers. I believe that love is a mixture of feelings and choice.

The idea of having one soul mate that you must find to be happy and in love is quite fear provoking-- what if you don't find him? What if he is already married? What if you make a mistake and marry the wrong guy and your soul mate is still out there? At that point, are you justified in leaving your marriage to find him? What if you quit loving him?

But, the flip side is also a little daunting. If you can marry many different types of men, do you have to settle for someone? Does that mean romance is gone? Is it more like a contract than a marriage? How do you pick? Do you find someone practical with whom you have no romantic feelings for and settle down? I have jokingly said that I could have married many different men and probably made it work (not so romantic right?) -- but God is sovereign and allowed me to marry one special guy. There may not be soul mates or star crossed lovers, but there is a God who often time directs our paths and opens doors - which is why out of all the guys I could have ended up with, I ended up with D.  (FYI, I don'st say ALL the GUYS to mean LOTS of guys were asking for my hand in marriage, I mean ALL the GUYS in the sense that there are many godly great men out there who could have and would have made a good husband. I am particularly grateful though that the person I married is D!!)

So here is a recent article from the Huntington Post entitled, "Real Love is a Choice" Check it out because the author is far more eloquent than I am. And I love that it is a secular article.  Christians and non-Christians alike are noticing the need for more commitment in our relationships.

Many times, we choose to love our spouses...and I suppose the longer you are married, the more love becomes a dance between feelings and choice-- alternating between periods of time where you wake up completely enamored with this other person and you can't imagine walking through life without him and days, weeks, even months where love feels more like a choice, a commitment, based on vows not feelings. And, even on a daily basis, we alternate between desiring to please and love our spouse and moments where we want our way and must choose to lovingly place him or her first.

Sometimes love is a choice made separately from your spouse -- where you chose to put them first, to honor and cherish them despite a lack of emotions encouraging you to do so.  But, sometimes love is a choice together -- realizing that marriage isn't living in a viral engagement video, honeymoon facebook album or a blockbuster romantic comedy. Most days, it's paying the bills, cooking dinner, sharing the same viruses back and forth, watching tv, cleaning toilets.  In these days, marriage may be a happy commitment, with accompanying feelings, but it is still a commitment, still a choice, definitely not always a fairy tale.

I consider myself a realist -- realistic enough to know that love is often times a choice, but also hopeful enough to believe that you can choose a spouse that makes the choice a little easier most days.  Just because I believe love will involve a lot of commitment doesn't mean I don't still want the feelings as well.  I think picking wisely can help make the daily choice to love a bit easier at times.

My thoughts on choosing a spouse that makes "choosing love" a bit easier:

1. Choose to marry someone with whom you are "in love" and feel attraction. I feel like this is obvious. This is not an arranged marriage or two people deciding they are suitably matched to be business partners for life. Fall in love, enjoy loving and being loved in return. Pick someone who you find attractive -- physically, emotionally, intellectually.  This won't guarantee that you always feel love, but it's a good place to start. On days that you want to choose not to love your spouse, on days you want to quit, hopefully you can remember your original feelings and why you loved them.

2. Choose someone whom you respect and admire.  Attraction and love are great, but make sure you are marrying someone who you admire and respect.  Marry someone whom you would think was a great person even if he or she wasn't your spouse...someone who portrays character traits and discipline and has goals that you respect. It will still be hard sometimes to love this person, but it is easier to love someone whom you generally think pretty highly of.

3. Choose to marry a Christian. He or she does not have to be a preacher, elder, biblical scholar, but someone who loves the Lord, loves His church and who seeks to serve Him and grow.  Being unequally yoked makes for a hard marriage.

4. Choose to marry someone who has dealt with hard times.  Someone once asked me what had prepared me most for marriage and my response was having roommates (see #5) and enduring hard times.  I think it's one of the things I find so attractive about my husband. He has had disappointments and hardships and pushed through.  I feel strongly that he can handle any challenges life and marriage throw our way. I trust that he will strive to choose love even when its hard.

5. Choose someone who has chosen to love others well.  Marriage is not the only relationship where we have to sometimes choose love over ourselves.  Find someone who treats others lovingly, who chooses to act kindly to family, friends, neighbors, roommates, cashiers at Walmart.

6. Choose to marry someone who repents and forgives easily.  Whether you feel head over heals in love or are choosing to love when it's hard, you will screw up and fail to love well at times.   It's best for both partners to repent and forgive well.

***And of course, when we seek mates with these qualities then for sure, we should be striving to do the same things...learning to handle hard times, loving others well even when that love is a choice, practicing repentance and forgiveness in our daily lives, etc.

I'm not an expert in love or marriage -- with almost a year and half of marriage under my belt, most would call me a novice. We can't control who we fall in love with, but we can choose who we marry. Love is a choice, and oftentimes it may be a hard choice - but choosing well at the beginning may help make that choice a bit easier.

Also, on one last note: I am a big believer that often times, feelings follow choice.  In marriage, in relationships: choose to love, choose to serve, choose to forgive and the Lord can supplement that choice with feelings.

Our Wedding, Part 5: The Real Reason (Ceremony and Vows)

SLOWLY BUT SURELY FINISHING UP THE WEDDING SERIES

Few things are more exciting than the moment you walk down the aisle towards your soon to be husband. And although, let's be honest, the party portion of the evening takes a lot more planning, the ceremony is the most important 30 minutes of the entire day....and it's the part you will remember.

Practicing for my walk down the aisle - in my mom's veil, sometime during the late 80s

I love that wedding ceremonies are usually extremely private and public all at once. In some ways, it felt like Dave and I were alone because the promises and vows were said by us alone and the relationship is exclusive to us. But, in a very obvious way (400 guests watching us), the wedding was very public, for all to see. What a perfect way to begin our marriage - both intimately and publicly. Our marriage is primarily a relationship between the two or us, but in so many ways, it's a relationship so closely related to other relationships. It's a relationship supported and challenged by friends, family and church community. We are truly blessed to have so many people who rejoiced with us and will encourage, challenge and pray with and for us. 

The front of our "church"

I always wanted a bouquet of peonies.

When you get married at 29, you've been to enough weddings and been in enough weddings that you know what you want. It's not like I planned for the past decade, but every time I attended a wedding or was a bridesmaid and heard a solo or processional I liked, I mentally noted it. So, when we got engaged, I knew (mostly) how our ceremony would go. Dave and I both wanted two preachers to perform our ceremony - one from his church, one from mine. We wanted traditional vows. We didn't want a unity candle. Although we wanted a religious ceremony, we weren't set on having it a church (thus we had it at the warehouse where the reception was going to be) We wanted conservative music (okay, I wanted conservative music, Dave wanted Journey, but I won that debate......)

And so the ceremony went mostly how I always envisioned it -- and probably not too differently than most other ceremonies. As I have shared earlier, we were very nontraditional about many things, but when it came down to the important stuff, we were pretty traditional - and the ceremony went just I had planned. Piano and Violin. Congregational Hymn. Christian and classical music. Presbyterian vows. The cutest little ring bearer who was promptly escorted out by my sister's in laws. An adorable flower girl carrying a "hear comes the bride" sign. Girls in blue dresses with gorgeous green flowers. A bridal bouquet of peonies like I always wanted.

This pretty lady got married 6 months to the day after our wedding....and 

thankfully for her, I did not sing in her wedding.

My friend Madison married this pretty lady several years ago and since I first heard her 

play her violin at church, I knew one day I wanted her to play in my wedding.

My niece did her flower girl duties perfectly. She's 

been in several weddings now -- she is an expert!

SO SO Excited to walk down the aisle.

This would have been a great pic if my dad had looked!

We had an actual homily, not just a few sentences of advice (although the homily was cut a little shorter than I wanted...due to a certain someone's nerves that day....) It was important to me that our service be a worship service, a presentation of the gospel, so I wanted something meaty, not just a couple quotes and then vows.

I'll never forget Dave's nerves on our wedding day. He was absolutely adorable. I was the opposite -- mostly calm or jittery with excitement, but Dave looked like he was about to pass out at any moment. I asked him if he was nervous or having second thoughts and he said he was certain of me, but anxious because it was such a big step, such a serious moment and we shouldn't take it lightly. I love that he was thinking about our commitment and vows, not just the party, and that he understood the seriousness of the day. (Sidenote: he was also nervous about standing in front of so many people!)

And although we had done a super early first look and then a first look, walking down the aisle was still so incredibly special. So much emotion and gratitude. Seeing my precious groom at the end of the aisle -with his pretty blue eyes and nervous look. Trying to hold back tears each step of the way. Holding tightly to my daddy's arm. Silently repeating "thank you, thank you" over and over as an unavoidable prayer of gratitude to God for this blessing I do not deserve. Catching Dave's eyes during the service, smiling at him and seeing him finally start to relax.

I love this picture. This man makes me so happy.

First married kiss

One of the sweetest parts of the day was when we walked back down the aisle, finished with the ceremony and being showered with confetti, and Dave grabbed me, kissed me and said, "We're married" His demeanor changed for the rest of the evening.  Preparing for such a commitment was serious and caused nervousness, but once the commitment was made, he was no longer so nervous. My father in law then found us and gave me a huge hug and welcome to the family -- followed by my mother who hugged me and said "I told you so" (aka, I told you that you would get married one day), followed by, "I've been waiting for years to tell you that." A little motherly commentary, that's all.

Confetti was thrown at us as we left.

Hugging my Father in Law right after the ceremony

Final thoughts on our ceremony: The theme of the ceremony was God's faithfulness, complete with the solo, "He's always been Faithful" and verse: "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23)  As thrilled as I was to marry Dave, I wanted to remember that it was God who had been faithful to us. A wedding is almost always a happy occasion, a time to rejoice, a picture of God's faithfulness and goodness, but for me personally, it was a reminder that the Lord redeems horrible circumstances and "restores what the locusts have eaten."  God is faithful to me daily, but walking down the aisle was personally, a very real tangible picture of his faithfulness to restore, heal, redeem! 

Before my wedding, a friend who had recently been through some hard circumstances told me she found encouragement is seeing how the Lord was faithful and brought redemption in my life because it meant He could redeem hard things in her life time.  That was probably one of the most touching things any one has ever said to me....I want my life to be a testimony for our faithful Lord. And, goodness, sometimes wouldn't we all choose a different testimony, one with fewer tears and painful moments, but the hard things he brings us through can be used to show His goodness and glory. That was what I hoped people saw as I walked down the aisle to my sweet groom: not just a happy bride and nervous groom, but God's faithfulness to me and to Dave. Through heartbreak and brokenness and in many many joyful times, the Lord has remained by my side -- and continues to do so in marriage.