I, Katy, take thee, Dave, to be my wedded husband,
and I do promise and covenant, before God and these witnesses,
to be thy loving and faithful wife; in plenty and in want,
in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in
health, as long as we both shall live.
Almost one year ago, I
said these beautiful but tough words to the dearest man I know and was blessed
enough to hear him say the same vows in return. We set out on a new
adventure (literally, not just figuratively as we moved 1000 miles from home to
a new city!) and have, in some ways, tried to live these words daily, although failing plenty
of times during our first year (I, of course, probably failed to live out these
vows more than D did because he is immensely good to me)
The problem with wedding
vows is that they are often applied to "EXTREME" situations. We
applaud stories about the husband who selflessly loved his wife "in
sickness and in health" while she slowly died from a deteriorating
disease. We esteem women who have loved and respected their husband through a
failed business or job loss, when the family lived on no income and trust that
the Lord would provide. We honor the couple that holds each other's hands and
comfort one another through extreme tragedies - death of loved ones, chronic
illnesses, affairs, etc.
Recently, D was sick and
asked me to go to the pharmacy late at night and I really didn’t want to and I
whined about it as I changed back into clothes for a late night CVS run. While whining, he jokingly said “remember, in
sickness and health…” Sweet D was joking, but his words struck me. I always
apply that vow to really big health situations – cancer, bed rest during
pregnancy, chronic illnesses, hospitalizations, etc, etc. But, really, I am
called to love and care for my husband even in minor illnesses, not just
extreme cases!
The reality is every
marriage will have some of those rock bottom really tough days, months, years, but
thankfully, by the grace of God, not every day, not every year is an large challenge or trial. Sometimes, the challenges of life are real but not extreme and the
call to love and cherish my husband has more to do with encouragement,
forgiveness and service in mundane moments or small trials than it does with
extreme heroic action.
How then, can I live
my vows out on a daily basis when there are dishes in the sink, bills to pay,
job stress, screaming kids, stinky diapers, dirty laundry, broken down cars,
stomach bugs, harsh words, feelings of worthlessness and boredom with the
typical daily routine? Because usually life includes little trials than
giant challenges, so undoubtedly, our vows need to apply to those moments too.
I want to take my vows
seriously, not just applying them to the worst case scenarios that (thankfully)
don’t happen daily. I want to love my husband well in the small moments of
life. I want to care for him daily in the way I hope I would if tragedy ever
struck.
Here are some imperfect thoughts from an imperfect person on
how I could better apply my vows to daily life:
I, Katy, take thee
Dave, to be my wedded husband.
I marry you, no one else, so I
should choose to see the best in you daily, choose to support you, choose not
to think “what if” (..I had remained single, married someone else, etc), chose
to honor you as my husband with my words, actions and in comments said to
others. Although I aim to encourage you to continue growing more and more like
Christ, I will not spend time comparing you to others. Finally, because I chose you as my husband, I
chose to put you first and make you my priority above all others. You get to be
second place in my life (behind our Savior) and I will strive to make you my
priority.
and I do promise and
covenant, before God and these witnesses
I am making a covenant,
a sacred commitment to you. I will keep my covenant and remain your wife, even
when it’s tough, even when we want to quit.
I don’t want to throw around threats of divorce or leaving when we
disagree and I want to invite God, the church and those who witnessed our
covenant to help us keep our commitment through discipline, teaching,
encouragement and support.
to be thy loving and
faithful wife
I promise to remain
faithful to you...both in actions and in thoughts. I will strive to keep my
actions, words and intentions towards you KIND and loving – and when I fail
(and I will), I will get up the next day and try again to love you as I should. I promise to continue loving you even at
moments you seem unlovable.
in plenty and in want
I will love you on days that we pay the bills
and don’t have anything left over for fun spending. I will love you when our
financial future seems uncertain, when we are waiting for raises, when we are
job searching, when we are only putting a small amount into savings, when we
can’t afford gifts. I will love you when
we disagree about money and how it should be spent. I will love you when
surprise disasters come up and suck the money out of that month’s budget. In
every small financial frustration – kid’s braces, debates on schools and
tuition, buying new furniture, investments that fail, etc, we may disagree and
we may feel stressed, but I will still love you, help us find solutions and
remind you that our Lord will continue to sustain us.
And God forbid, something truly disastrous
ever happen like losing jobs, extreme medical bills, losing our savings or our
apartment, I will hold your hand through it all and we will seek God’s guidance
and tackle the challenge together.
in joy and in sorrow
I will love you in extremely joyful moments
(babies, first homes, promotions), as well as the extremely painful ones (job
loss, death, heartbreak)
But, also, I promise to find joy daily with
you and to care about the things that give you joy….listening to you tell me
stories about architecture, about some dream business you would love to start,
about the start of hunting season. I promise to try to enjoy life’s many
blessings with you.
And just like I will love you on horribly
awful days, I will care for you through all life’s minor sorrows – tough work
days, disagreements with family, days when the kids make you want to pull your
hair out, days where we clean up vomit or deal with flu outbreaks, days when we
feel disappointed in our kid’s decisions (or in our own decisions) Even in smaller
disappointments and mildly sorrowful moments, I plan on living and managing those
with you.
in sickness and in
health
I want to strive to love you in all moments of
life and in all versions of sickness….whether that be a terminal diagnosis or
the common cold. When you don’t feel well, I promise to take care of you –
whether it’s a late night run to CVS for meds, encouraging you to visit the
doctor (or even making the appointment for you), cooking soup and taking care
of household chores while you rest up and get healthy. I hate being sick, but I
promise to put my concerns of “catching illnesses” away to make sure I take
care of you.
as long as we both shall live.
On certain days, the promise of living our
vows and loving each other well for our entire lives may seem daunting- and on
some days, my very sinful self may chose to not love you well, but I promise to
get up and keep trying, keep stumbling over my own silly self so that hopefully
each year, I have loved you better.
I sure hope we have 50+ years left of life and
marriage, but I will do my best not to take the days for granted, knowing we
aren’t promised tomorrow, and knowing I should not put off living my vows out
until another day- in case that next day doesn’t come.
I will love you tomorrow, but I will love you
today as if tomorrow won’t be happening.
So, on a daily basis, this is what I want my vows to look like. I don’t want to
reserve my marriage promises for big time situations like terminal illness or
family deaths or failed business, I want to live them today, on another boring
Monday when life has plenty of stress but nothing insurmountable, when it’s
easy to not even think about my vows, but when I am just as called to honor
these vows as any other day. And I have
and will fail at every single vow made, but the one promise I can keep is my
promise to get up and strive to live them again tomorrow J
