The Problem with Tragedy

I rarely post anything politically motivated, BUT today, I have to speak up......

In the past week, we have witnessed many lives lost at the hands of Islamic extremists.  Lives of different nationalities, races, cultures, backgrounds and religions.  There has been so much innocent death and loss in the matter of hours or days.  In some ways, our world has united - showing solidarity in the face of evil, showing a sense of courage and resolve in the face of fear - but in some ways, tragedy has only split us more.

What is it about tragedy that digs up our nastiness? Is it that we are scared and hurting? Or is it that we turn tragedy into our own little soapbox? The world is hurting and yet we are fighting each other more than we are fighting those that commit evil acts. Social media allows us to both unite together in the face of tragedy (Parisian pictures, articles on Beruit, offers of prayer and peace, etc) and at the same time, attack each other from the comfort of our couch by taking one statement, one view and assuming the worst in other's statements and beliefs and comments.

This is a problem that both sides are guilty of - liberals and conservatives - making tragedy into a catalyst for our own agenda, hurling attacks at anyone who has a differing view. How sad that we can't just mourn loss without creating sides.

In the matter of one short week, I have seen racist and derogatory comments against Muslims AND also witnessed the unfair accusation that those who are anti-ISIS are bigots who hate Muslims (news flash: being against one group does not make one against an entire religion.)  I have friends who have been more upset about possible backlash against the local Muslim community than they were about the victims of terrorism.

There has been a disproportionate focus on Paris while overlooking other atrocities - but, at the same time, there has  also been a plethora of self righteous attacks shaming people for mourning Paris (because they didn't properly mourn Beruit or other non-western attacks).  While we, as a society, need to be more aware of all lives that are being lost, why are we making others feel guilty for mourning Paris?

I have seen people who attack Christians CONSTANTLY for their beliefs suddenly play the "Christian" card and claim  that their perspective on immigration and refugee policy is Christlike and those who disagree are failing at their faith.  At the same time, Christians are attacking each other.  Those opposed to allowing refugees into America accuse those who sympathize with Syrian refugees and want to open our country's "gates" to them as overly emotional, wanting to make themselves feel good, etc.  Christians on the other side are calling out fellow believers who are worried about refugees coming to the states, claiming that they are ignoring Biblical principles on loving foreigners, etc.

And, probably the silliest thing I have seen is the Christmas story being compared to the refugee crisis.  The story was about Christ, it was not making a political statement.  Mary and Joseph were turned away from the inn (and directed to a stable) because there was no room for them in the inn (due to increased travel during the census) - not because they were unwanted refugees.  Goodness, there are enough applicable biblical principles without having to manipulate the advent story into a policy position.

Why the bickering? Can't someone be anti-ISIS AND anti Muslim discrimination? Can we not protect the rights of those who practice Islam while still mourning the victims? Can we discuss other tragedies that weren't as "hot" in the media without shaming people for mourning an iconic city (and one similar enough to our own "Western" cities that many Americans lost their sense of security?) Isn't there a way to highlight other atrocities without downplaying the Parisian tragedy? Does it have to be a competition? Yes Arab lives matter, but don't European lives matter too?  Can we have discussions about the Syrian refugee crisis without taking an all or nothing approach? Can we recognize that with the exception of a few truly racist hateful people, most of us (believers and unbelievers) mourn for these people and their circumstances - yet disagree with how to handle it? Can we not attack each other as too emotional and sympathetic - or too uncaring and scared- and realize that proper policy will require compassion AND pragmatic thinking?

And for goodness sake, for those who bash Christians year round on any and every political issue, please stop playing the "be a good Christian" card- because goodness knows, when Christians are "good Christians", you disagree with their positions. And, please, please please quit misrepresenting our advent story. There are plenty of refugee examples to use without making one up.

Essentially, let's stop making other people's tragedies about us, our own political agendas, our own self-righteous views.  Let's recognize that other caring concerned people have different views than us - and we may disagree with them and we may have to discuss and debate these important issues, but we don't have to attack.  Can we agree to not get our kicks off making ourselves feel "more righteous", "less bigoted", "more knowledgeable", "more practical", "less overly emotional", "more Christian" etc. than others? And can we agree to take a deep breath before attacking someone on social media? If we wouldn't say it aloud to a person's face, why will we say it in a public social forum?

There is a lot of evil in the world at the moment - let's not add to it. The terrorists obtain one more victory if we turn against each other too.

(This serves as a reminder to myself as well....)

"There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." - Proverbs 12:18

"Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know hos you ought to answer each person." - Colossians 4:6

Friday Loves

It's FRIDAY - who is ready for a weekend?  My weekend is full of socializing, volunteering, relaxing and breaking out the Christmas decor. Go ahead and judge away, but since we always head to Mississippi for a good long trip during the second half of December, I pull our stuff out early - my decorations have to be up 4-5 weeks for me to believe its worth the time of pulling them out!! Plus, not to be all scroogy- but I think I may pack up Christmas decor before we leave for the south so I do not have to worry about it when I get back.


Here are some things I am loving on Friday.....

1. Santa's Bag App

One of these years, I plan on being responsible and starting a holiday fund in January, but unfortunately, that was not this year.  However, I am trying to stay on budget or near budget with Christmas (I love buying others gifts and I tend to justify overspending on nephews and nieces and parents etc....) So, this year I downloaded the "Santa's Bag" app for my iphone - and it has changed how I Christmas shop. I set an overall budget and then individual budgets for my recipients.  Under each person, I can mark what I buy, what I am thinking of buying, how much it cost, and then check each person off as complete when done.  I am able to see how much I have spent in my total budget and how much I spend on each individual person - including if I was under or over their individual budget. This helps me plan accordingly and encourages me to take the time to look for good sales.  For example, I recently watched the toy sales and found the exact gift I was planning on buying one of my nieces for $15 off - so that's $15 in "extra money" I have in case I go over on someone else (which I will inevitably do...)  Jury is still out on whether this keeps me entirely on budget - but so far, so good.

2. Williams Sonoma Quinoa with toasted pecans and dried cranberries

You can find the recipe here.  I LOVE this dish and have made it several times. Basically, anything with nuts and berries makes me happy (I must have been a small forest animal in a different life....)  I made a huge batch for our small group supper club last night and we had a low  turnout due to work, travel and sickness - so lots of leftovers.  But honestly, I am kindof happy because I can eat this all weekend long. (side note: this preggo adds a few more pecans than suggested....)

3. Non Maternity clothing

The other day, while returning a maternity sweater to Old Navy, I picked up a cute vest (one size up instead of maternity sized because some days I just want something NON-maternityish you know? I have a maternity vest which is cute but a bit long and bulky) And today, since it's Friday and a bit more casual, I wore my new vest to work with skinny tan maternity pants, boots, a maternity chambray top and a tortoise shell necklace. And dare I say, I almost felt cute?  Besides the stretchy band at the top of my pants and the fact that the shirt was loose with you know, a baby underneath....it was a normal outfit. So here is my "make me happy" outfit...forgive me if you see some version of this often this fall/winter.

(sidenote: maternity clothes are not so bad in 2015.  I definitely have some of the drawstring loose  tops, but a lot of the items are quite cute - just a bit more limited in selection, so I really can't complain - BUT still, this $17 dollar green vest has made my week...)

4. Blanket Scarves

I also picked up this cute blanket scarf. It's adorable and warm and makes me happy. Only problem is that I now need someone to come to my house and show me how to wear it.....

5. REIGN

Dave and I love finding a good show to binge watch together - and our newest pick is Reign about Mary, Queen of Scots.  It's got history, action, mystery, romance - and of course, lovely costumes.  Something for both of us!

6. Encouraging articles

I love words - and I love words that encourage and uplift and relate.  So I had to share these meaningful words I found in an article titled Singleness, Suffering and Christian Hope. It's so true - I could have written this article (although not nearly as eloquently!)  In fact, I wrote something similar a couple years ago. The pain of waiting for a spouse can be incredibly hard and often undermined by married friends, family and church leaders. (Thankfully, if you are like me, you had excellent company!) The bittersweet reality is that you excitedly celebrate every wedding, every baby, every special moment for friends and family while you wait for your own milestones to celebrate.  You rock babies and silently pray that one day you will have your own.  You spend holidays without a spouse, wondering if you will always be the single adult child that goes home. Even now, happily married, I remember that the waiting wasn't always easy. So, I was so touched by the tender way in which this man writes about his wife's and his years of waiting and suffering.

"Although our suffering (related to singleness, anyway) officially ended that night, every minute of heartache now served to make our present joy greater and fuller than if we had never suffered. Our suffering wasn’t merely being erased or compensated for. Instead, God was somehow using our suffering to enlarge and perfect our joy.

To us, that moment was a picture of our ultimate Christian hope: Ours is the only faith that would dare use a barbaric device like the cross as a symbol of triumph. God is not only with us in our suffering, as He proved at the cross, but He will transform our suffering, as He proved at the resurrection.

Lisa and I have never been happier than we were on our wedding day. But even the very best day of life on earth is only a foretaste — a dim hint — of what it will feel like when we finally meet the Lord.

If you are a Christian who is struggling with singleness, I am praying for your suffering to end. I don’t know how and when it will end, but I can absolutely guarantee that God will one day end it with a resurrection. I love the way Teresa of Avila put it: “The first moment in our Savior’s arms will make the most miserable earthly life seem like a single night in a bad hotel.”

As I finished this article at 1:30 in the morning, I looked over at my sleeping wife. I thought about all the nights she went to bed lonely. The scars are still there. But like the scars that remained on Jesus’ resurrection body, their meaning has been converted from shame to glory.

Tears filled my eyes as I leaned over and kissed Lisa on the cheek and remembered, “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes” (Revelation 21:4, ESV). Thank God we didn’t meet when we were 21. Thank God He didn’t “spare” us from suffering. My tears of joy were only possible because, in our suffering, we had shed so many tears of sadness."

 I have friends that are still waiting- for husbands, for babies, for healing in their families, etc- and I am still waiting with them, praying for those future happy endings and milestones - and I can't wait to rejoice with them the way they have kindly rejoiced with me.  But, even when those answered prayers come, I will also be grateful for a God that uses years of brokenness to make the answered prayers all the more beautiful.

7. "Just Because" Flowers

I have felt particularly pregnant and big and sore this week (um, and whiney....) - and my sweet DH sent me the sweetest card and flowers. telling me how thankful he was for me.  We aren't usually random gifts and flowers type of people (except for birthdays and holidays, etc) which made the gesture all the more sweet.  Goodness, I am a lucky gal.

Happy Friday all! Just 2 weeks (less actually) until Thanksgiving!  November really is a wonderful month, right? The weather is not too bad yet but the holiday spirit is in the air! I hope you spend all weekend doing things you love with people you love! Or doing nothing, just because you can!

6 months!

As promised, I am keeping up with posts every 4 weeks - that's probably about as much "baby talk" as you folks want to hear! And as much baby talk as I want to give.

Yesterday we hit 24 weeks, and I have two three very important not at all important thoughts:

1. How am I 6 months pregnant?

2. How am I only 6 months pregnant!

3. Why do we call 24 weeks "6 months" because months don't have 28 days so in reality, I am a week or two shy of 6 months right?

It seems AD should be here - and yet it seems we are NOWHERE READY for our baby girl's arrival.... but we are making progress! In the past 4 weeks, we reserved a hospital tour, booked our birthing class (Dave is being bribed to attend the all day class with Buffalo Wild Wings), pre-registered at the hospital, called a daycare, spoke to my insurance provider about how we add the baby afterwards, bought a lot of the nursery furniture. Oh, and I ready one parenting book!

And we've spent plenty of time talking to our little girl - I am pretty sure she thinks we are weird, but she is stuck with us!  I daily announce that I wish she was already here - but that is a lie. I would like a little more time to prep and a little more time to enjoy having her daddy all to myself! Plus we want her to arrive when she is healthy and plump!

And here is what AD and I have been looking like recently.  Unfortunately, she refuses to give me a cute "out in front" bump which is sad :(  I thought my longer waist would be an asset in pregnancy, keeping her from having to wrap around me like babies do a short waisted mommies.  But, nope, just because she has plenty of space doesn't stop her from laying side to side and making me look wide! She LOVES spreading out!

Here are some extra pics of Little Miss on weeks 21-23. (See 24 week bump pic above)  She is starting to really make her presence known!

21 weeks

22 weeks

23 weeks

How Far Along: 

24 weeks (6 months) as of this past weekend 

 Baby Size:

At 24 weeks, baby is the size of a 12.5 inch ear of corn and weighs 1.3 pounds. (1.3 pound gain for baby, 13 pound gain for mommy - seems fair)

Maternity Clothes:

Yes - basically all my clothes (except for a few loose shirts, sweats and tights, why buy maternity tights when I can just buy a size bigger?)

Also, this past week I did some online shopping for a maternity formal dress to wear as a bridesmaid next month. I am ordering 3 and trying them on - surely one will work. The dresses are all lovely (maternity clothing has come a long way from when my mom was pregnant with me...) but even so, let me tell you, your choices for gold sparkly maternity formalwear are limited.  Apparently not many 30 week pregnant ladies walk around in gold sequins...which makes no sense to me.  I am creating life here so I, of all people, should be allowed to wear sequins :)

Sleep:

Not sleeping well, feeling some aches and pains when I wake up in the morning. BUT I ordered a maternity pillow this weekend which I am unrealistically expecting to change my world!! We have a double bed so imagine Dave, me, my belly and a large pillow in the bed at 9 months preggo.  This will be fun - thank goodness for a guest bed!

Movement:

Movement, yes- and  I've felt a few kicks, although not externally yet so Dave can't feel them.  (a) according to the doc, the way the baby and other pregnancy essentials are tucked into my body make it harder to feel her kick and (b) I think that so far, she is more of a squirmer than a kicker....

Best Moments of the Past 24 weeks:

Finally realizing that I was feeling kicks!   Buying nursery furniture! Reaching Viability!

Food Cravings:

Sweets.  Trying not to give into this too much, but I mean, Halloween.....

Food Aversions:

Still not a huge fan of eggs/some meats/ some spices - although I can eat a whole lot more!

What I Miss:

Wine and sushi.

What I Am Looking Forward To:

Decorating the nursery! We are starting to put up furniture - but decorating will be so much fun!

Milestones:

Reaching viability! Now, if Anne Douglas were to arrive early, she would have more chance of surviving than not making it.  Clearly, she would still have tons of complications and we don't want her to arrive yet, but it is comforting to know we have reached the week where life is now a real option!

Putting up baby girl's crib!

Pregnancy Symptoms:

 Weight gain, aches and pains, acne (they say girls steal their mom's beauty....clearly, that was not true for my mom :) but it seems to be true for me!), itchy skin, hungry and hard time sleeping

Gender:

A sweet baby GIRL!!! 

For the record, Annie D LOVES to keep showing us that she is indeed, still a girl at appointments! Ha, we love to be reassured as we have already started planning for a daughter - BUT still, a modesty talk needs to happen.... At 20 weeks, she refused to show us all of her vital organs (we had to return for another ultrasound at 22 weeks) - yet she made sure she flashed us! (and then flashed us again at 22 weeks!) We get it, AD, you are a girl and we are so thrilled - now, cross your legs please!

Weight Gain:

Between 12 and 13 pounds this morning.  I feel like I am about to gain several pounds though - as I think baby girl is hitting another growth spurt. Starting this weekend, I feel like I could eat everything in my kitchen and in yours!

I will update on baby girl again in 4 weeks - at which time she will have experienced her first Thanksgiving AND have entered her third trimester!

October Book Reviews

Happy Fall Y'all - or if you live on the east coast right now, happy 70 degree days! We have been enjoying a warm front, highest November temps in years!  This doesn't go along with pumpkins and scarves and boot weather - but no complaints from this southern gal.  I fear winter weather so I will be grateful for any remaining "hot" days we have left.  Plus, the cool air is returning this weekend - just in time for holiday season to start!

I have been diving into some great books so far this fall, so here are a few reviews. As you may remember, my goal was to read 6 books during October and November and I so far, I have read 4 books and have started a few others.

Book: The Sh*t No One Tells You: a Guide to Surviving your Baby's First Year by Dawn Dais

Rating: 3 stars

I thought that this would be the best parenting book to start off with - it's funny, full of jokes, introducing me to some of the stresses of motherhood without overwhelming me.  But, honestly, the book was just okay.  It made me laugh at first, but by the end, it wasn't that funny.  The joke remained the same throughout the book - kids are demanding little boogers who wear you out.  True - and this story line can give you a good laugh- but by the end, the joke was old.  Also, although she did offer encouragement throughout the book - apparently, kids are quite adorable and loving too which makes up for being up all night and having blowout diapers and stealing your memory and ability to form complete sentences - but the level of joking and complaining without too much advice had me scared!  I know some of the other "more serious" baby books - on sleep and eating schedules, etc might stress me out - but I think I feel less anxious about life changes when I go in with a plan.  The book wasn't bad - just not right for me at this moment.  I think if I were to read this when Anne Douglas is 3 months old, I will probably relate and have my own war stories.  What I did really like about the book - the company.  A lot of moms weighed in on their own experiences - and it seems that everyone feels overwhelmed during that first year or two - so when I start to stress, at least I know I am normal!

The Little Women Letters by Gabrielle Donnelly

Rating: 5 stars

I loved this book.  I kept debating between 4.5 and 5 stars.  In the end, I caved on 5 even though I know it likely won't be on your top 5-10 books of all time list. But, for me, an avid Little Women fan, I adored it.  The premise is that these 3 sisters are Jo's great grandchildren - and one of the sisters finds her letters in the attic and slowly gets to know her off beat, opinionated but lovable aunt.  You can see how each of the sister favors one of the 3 living March sisters - Jo, Meg and Amy - and I fell in love with this sweet family (past and present).  As a young girl, when I first read Little Women, I so related to Jo and felt like I discovered a piece of myself in her.  (I guess that makes my other two sisters Meg and Amy which actually the descriptions fit them fairly well ) So watching how the main character in The Little Women Letters discovered her unique Aunt - and a bit of herself- made me relate to Jo all over again.

Prayer by Tim Keller

Rating: 4.5 stars

This has been our small group book this fall - and I have loved it. It's pretty intense - and doesn't read like an easy flow encouraging devo, but more like a textbook. Tim Keller shares a few of his own views - but mostly summarizes and lays out what centuries of theologians have said about Prayer. It is a practical book - laying out formats and plans to improve your prayer life.  It is a book I will need to go through again, pulling out tips on meditation and the structure of prayer, trying out different formats in my prayer life.  There is a lot to take in, and I know that I probably missed some during my first read!  Even so, I already feel that this wise teaching has improved my prayer life.

This book is not an easy read and it's definitely not a "read in one day" type of book, but it is worthwhile and will help you understand the purpose of prayer and ways to properly pray.

For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards by Jen Hatmaker

Rating: 3 stars

I mostly liked this book. Jen is real and easy to relate to and has you laughing and saying AMEN at the same time.  Also, I feel like her religious and social views are a lot like mine - conservative in certain areas, but a bit more moderate. She realizes that some of the things we equate with Christianity in our upper middle class white world just isn't true of the Gospel.

My one gripe - was her chapter on difficult people.  She classifies difficult people into two categories - those you can cut out of your life (friends, acquaintances, etc) and those whom you are stuck with so you draw boundaries (relatives).  I am 100 percent in support of drawing boundaries and limiting contact with those who are too critical, emotionally manipulative, etc.  We have to protect ourselves so that we can properly take care of ourselves and our other relationships. However, I do not believe we are excused from loving and befriending difficult people.  In fact, I think that Christians should be those reaching out to those that are hard to love!  In fact, in later chapters, Jen talks about loving the prickly outsiders at church! So, it seems that even in her life she takes on a few "broken toys" (as my dad calls them).  When I look at my own life, I have mutual giving friendships AND friendships where I have to draw boundaries (either literally or personally) and where I won't ever get back as much as I put in.  I hope that Christ can help me show HIS love to these difficult people.  And, in all honesty, I am sure I have been the difficult friend before (or I will be in the future).  So my take on her advice - draw some boundaries and don't surround yourself with only difficult people (and definitely don't let people abuse you all the time...) but keep showing God's kindness to those who need it the most.  We are all difficult people and God chose to love us when we were unlovable - doing that to hard people in our lives will hopefully reveal the same truth to them: God loves them, despite the mess and hardness and unkind personalities!

The second part of this chapter talked about loving difficult people you can't get away from - ie, family.  And I actually agreed with most of her advice here but I cringed when she used one of her children as an example.  (note, not saying at times, all of my children are difficult and here is how I draw boundaries).  That poor sweet child - being singled out as the "difficult one" in the family.  At some point, he or she will read this book and realize that mom was talking about him.  Also, family and friends will read this book and be able to single out which child is the "hard one."  I just don't think it's fair to negatively portray your child like that to the world.  It's one thing to complain to friends and family about the terrible twos or whine about the troubled teen years, but let's be good advocates of our kids.  I want my daughter to feel safe in knowing mom isn't sharing all her mistakes and dirty secrets to the world via a blog or book or whatever. (This is a topic I am starting to think about as I enter motherhood - just like I don't air out all my dirty laundry with Dave on this blog - you know, despite his picky eating haha - I don't want to talk too poorly about my kids as they age too. That's not fair to them)

And what counts as the difficult kid? The reality is that this child of Jen's may be the difficult one today and in five years, it may be a different kid.  That's family - we are all difficult at times. But, oh how my heart hurt for this little child - it's horrible to feel like you are the "hard kid" in your family - especially when your mom made it clear earlier in the chapter that you should cut loose "difficult people" unless they are unavoidable family members.  Maybe I am super emotional (thank you pregnancy) or maybe I relate because at times I felt like I was seen as the "difficult child" (although thankfully my parents did not publish that fact in a book) but what a burden for that child to be known as and treated as "the difficult kid in the family."

That being said, the rest of the book was entertaining and enjoyable - so don't let my opinion stop you from reading it! However, let me know what you think on the "difficult people" chapter.

Here are the remaining books to choose from.  I wonder which book I will choose next!

1. The Sh*t No One Tells You: a Guide to Surviving your Baby's First Year by Dawn Dais
2. Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting by Pamela Druckerman
3. Trim Health Mama by Pearl Barrett and Serene Allison
4. His Needs, Her Needs for Parents by Willard F. Harley, Jr.
5. some type of baby sleep book
6. The Little Women Letters by Gabrielle Donnelly
7. A Paris Apartment by Michelle Gable
8. Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty
9. China Rich Girlfriend by Kevin Kwan
10. The Rosie Effect by Graeme Simsion
11. Nice is Just a Place in France by the Betches
12. Prayer by Tim Keller
13. For the Love by Jen Hatmaker

Loving Others Through Loss

The past couple weeks, in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (Oct 15th),  I
have written a few posts about pregnancy loss - starting with observance of the day here and advice
for those going through the loss here.

I am wrapping up this little mini-series with advice for those loving on women (and men) who have
lost unborn children.  I had several friends and family members that loved me so well during this
time (and even now!) and a few who disappointed me a bit (but like I said in my last post, this is a
time to show grace as many people have no idea what to say!) 

I think it is great to have an idea how to minister to this group of people.  It may not be something
you ever face, but it is likely something that someone you know will face (1 in 4 women).  Mainly,
remember that this is a loss and respond as you would in other life losses.

Tragedy like miscarriages either leave us feeling incredibly lonely or incredibly loved.  As
believers, lets be the type of people who meet people in their brokenness and help them through!

1.        Let them grieve.

To you, it may just be a lost pregnancy or a disappointing break, but to your friend, it’s a lost child,  the death of someone she loved dearly.  Expecting her to bounce back immediately really diminishes her pain and makes her feel like her loss is not something she is allowed to mourn.  So, let her grieve and grieve how she needs – whether that’s with you by her side, or by herself – just knowing you are a phone call away.

2.       Grieve their baby.

The best thing someone can say to a mamma who lost their baby is that their baby will be missed. I knew so many people were grieving for me, but what touched me the most was when friends or families grieved with me.  When people die, many family and friends miss and remember them. This is not the case with unborn children.  No one really knows them yet so few people miss their little lives.  So, if you are a close friend or family member to someone who lost a baby, let them know that you will miss that child.  My sister was great about telling me how she missed this baby.  My sweet nephew was unhappy that the baby had to go to heaven because he wanted him/her here. And hearing how others missed our little Baby R warmed my heart. It’s good to know that your child – even your 12 week in utero child – is missed, loved and wanted.

3.       Say something.  Seriously, say anything. And say it more than once.

I had a lot of wonderful people say amazing encouraging things to me after my miscarriage – and I had a lot of people say the wrong thing.  I may have cringed at their words and tried to show grace, but the fact that they said anything at all meant the world.  What hurt me most were those who knew  and said nothing.  They may have avoided the topic out of selfishness and avoidance of awkwardness. Or, most likely they simply avoided the topic because they were fearful they would say something wrong. But, to me, it came across as not thinking my loss was worth acknowledging. 

So be willing to say something – and hopefully talk about it more than once.  I appreciated the friends who would check in with me every now and then and ask how I was doing.  At first, people are concerned but like any other loss, life moves on while you are still hurting. I can remember being overwhelmed by loss and the stress of trying to get pregnant again and just praying please someone ask me about it. At lunch, at brunch, via text, I just felt like I was drowning with pressure and sorrow and if someone would just ask me about it and really care what my answer was, I might not feel so alone.

4.       Say anything – but if you can, avoid the wrong things. Particularly anything that implies that the baby wasn’t “right”.

As I mentioned, most women who go through pregnancy loss are pretty gracious when you say the wrong thing because they get that it’s a hard topic and appreciate you trying. But, try avoiding phrases like “at least you can get pregnant” or “you’ll be pregnant again soon, no worries” or “the baby probably had a problem.”  That last comment, particularly, please avoid it.  I’ve read the statistics.  I know the chances are that my baby was chromosomally abnormal in some way, but I don’t need you to tell me that or to ask me if my fetus appeared deformed when I saw it because deformity or no deformity, I love my baby and wanted him or her to live. I didn’t sigh and think, thank goodness we avoided a problem child.

As I said, I generally saw the intention behind all these comments. People are trying to offer encouragement – so if you make a mistake in what you say, that’s fine. I probably make a mistake in what I say to you during tragedy. Let’s show each other grace and see people’s hearts, not their words. But, at the same time, if you can, try to say encouraging things like “I don’t know what to say, but I am here” and “I am sorry for your loss, your baby will be missed” etc.

5.       Make meals

This is a very  practical way to serve a family who has lost a baby.  We often think of meals as being a gift we give new mothers or those who have lost a family member, but so many situations in life call for this hospitable “meet their needs” type of blessing.  Obviously, this can’t always be done because you may not know about a pregnancy loss immediately, but if you do, offer a meal. If you can’t cook one, pick one up.  I was in a lot of physical pain – and on top of that, I was an emotional mess.  My mom, grandmother and sister all ordered meals for me.  A church friend brought us a meal.  Our entire week was covered.  I didn’t have to grocery shop, meal plan, cook or clean a bunch of dishes. I could come home from work and cry or sleep or take a shower or watch tv. 

Receiving meals blessed me two fold – (1) it met a practical need – literally giving me my daily bread and (2) it made me feel others saw our loss as real – because we all know that meals are made for big deal events.

6.       Be willing to be uncomfortable.

If you are a close friend, be willing to be uncomfortable in a couple different ways.  First, be willing to be uncomfortable talking about death and babies and pregnancy and loss.  Be willing to endure silence or rambling or tears. These aren’t easy topics and it may not always be fun to discuss.  These conversations may involve real tears, deep hurt and no clear answers.

Second, if you are a very close friend,  there’s a possibility that you will need to be willing to be uncomfortable to talk about gory facts. I certainly won’t go into details about miscarriage here on the world wide web.  But, delivering a dead fetus is not a pretty process – it’s messy and painful – while at the same time, very private. Afterwards, you feel like you experienced a trauma and have no one willing to acknowledge or discuss it.  About a month after the miscarriage, my friend gave me the biggest gift. She was in town for the weekend and over lunch, asked how I was feeling. I gave her a pat answer (assuming this was what she wanted) but she kept pushing – and asked the hard questions, the messy questions, about bleeding and pain and the whole horrible process of delivering a dead child.  She wanted details about what I had been through – and genuinely looked distraught as I told her.  The strange thing was as I left that very hard conversation, I was not crying or upset, I felt a bit more free.  I had been holding on to all these horrible details of our little one’s death and she had taken on a bit of the burden for me. She had acknowledged that miscarriage is more than just a word, but an actual painful process.  This obviously is not a role for everyone to play. I don’t want every casual acquaintance asking me such personal questions, but having one of my best friends enter into my world and hear about this unpleasantness was such a gift. And if someone very close to you has suffered a miscarriage, you might need to be willing to hear pieces of her messy story.

7.       Remember important dates.

Anniversaries aren’t always happy dates – this is a reality we all know. (IE, the date of a divorce, the date a relative died, etc)  This applies to miscarriage too – due dates, the date the baby died, mother’s day can all be difficult (although I will be the first to admit that mother’s day was surprisingly not that hard for me – because well, quite honestly, I’ve never experienced this date as a mother so I had nothing to compare it to….) So recognize those dates and give these women a little extra love on tough days. It means the world when people acknowledge those dates with a quick text, etc.

8.       Be willing to discuss infant loss publicly.

Many women who suffer miscarriage feel shame about it –  which makes no sense because it’s not their fault and they did nothing wrong.  I think this reason for shame is that it’s seen as a topic too dirty to talk about. Few people discuss it.  1 in 4 women will suffer a miscarriage in their lifetimes (this doesn’t even include number of men experiencing this loss) – so this subject should be an open one.  People jump to any type of cancer or diabetes or heart disease awareness campaign. They change their facebook pictures to rainbow colored after court decisions. We all support so many causes – and are willing to discuss and campaign and remember important issues and dates. So, at the same time, be willing to discuss miscarriage in a way where others feel safe to share their stories.

9. Pray (for them) and with them.

Obviously, prayer - and knowing someone is praying for you - is an extreme comfort to anyone facing tragedy. So, offer to pray for your friends facing pregnancy loss - and keep praying!

Miscarriage is hard on couples, but it also gives us an excellent opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus and to "comfort others as Christ comforts us." (2 Cor. 1:4)  

Surviving Loss

As I mentioned last week, I plan to do a few posts on miscarriage for those who have faced it - and those who, sadly, will face it in the future.  For the first 6 months post miscarriage, I did not want to be open at all about this - and I felt alone in my battle.  But, there is no reason for shame or hiding, it's not a secret sin - or something even that unique that no one would understand. Many women (1 in 4) do understand - and it serves us well to talk about this issue.

When you lose a baby, it's often a silent pain - only you and your spouse and possibly your family miss that little one.  Others may grieve for you, but they can't really grieve your child.  It feels like every other person who dies has friends and co workers and families and teachers that miss his or her presence.  Not unborn babies. No one else really had the chance to love our baby yet except for us, so we were often mourning alone.  I think the loneliness is what makes a miscarriage so tough.  Almost all other forms of grief are both communal and personal - but with a baby lost before birth, the whole process is almost entirely isolated and personal.

I still miss our little one daily. Remembering this little life helps me to be grateful for my time as mommy to sweet Baby R, rather than just mourn what time I don't get. Time and prayer and God's sweet comfort and grace have helped ease this pain -but, making it through those first few months can be lonely and painful so I am sharing some of the things that worked best for me.

Surviving the first months after a miscarriage

1. Grieve

The first piece of advice I have seems so practical - grieve, and grieve how you feel is best.  It may be that you cry in the shower or go for long runs and pray or talk about your baby a lot or spend time praying and keeping the whole situation to yourself until you are ready to talk.  Grieve however you need to- but do grieve. Just because society often overlooks miscarriage doesn't mean you should. Take time to mourn that sweet baby.

2. Realize that your husband doesn't grieve the same way you do.

A friend gave me this advice and it was probably the best post-loss advice I received.  Dave missed our child and mourned, but it wasn't in the same way I did.  His body didn't go through the process of loss that mine did - and he did not feel the same sense of failure and shame that I did.  Also, because he is such a good husband, his main concern was me and making sure I was okay.  Dave mourned our baby, but he wasn't going to cry daily like I did.  So, realize that men and women grieve differently. (Also, check on your husband and ask how you can care for his hurting heart too)

3. Let your body heal.

My miscarriage occured later than most losses, so my healing process probably took longer than most. But, no matter how early or late your loss occurs, your  body will need time to repair.  Prepare yourself! I was not prepared to ache for weeks or have numerous appointments to have my hormone levels checked as they slowly fell back into not-pregnant range.  Your body has just been through a mini-trauma, so take it easy for awhile.  Take a day off work if you need to. Spend your weekends on the couch. Go to bed early. Also, it might be worth taking a couple months off trying to conceive.  I did not - and I regret that. We had two chemical pregnancies following our loss - my poor tired body was trying to get pregnant but it wasn't quite back to par.  I was so convinced that the only way to feel better was to be pregnant again, but I wish I had just let my body heal so I could avoid that frustration and extra hurt - and so maybe I could have lost a little first trimester weight I had gained with our baby.

4. Share with a few close friends.

So many women do not share about their miscarriages - and part of that is because it's not considered polite conversation. Maybe you don't want to share with everyone, but do find a few friends or family members who you can trust and let them know. Talk to a counselor or pastor if that's easier. This way, you have people praying for you and checking on you. I had precious ladies checking on me often - and just knowing that they saw my hurt and recognized this life made the process a little less lonely.

5. Protect your heart.

One thing I have learned with past hurt is that some people can't be trusted with your pain.  If you are talking about your loss with someone who is not supportive or doesn't seem to understand the gravity of it, then don't keep sharing with them.  If your heart is not safe, protect it. (and also a good reminder to us to all be the type of people who are a safe place for our friends) These people may be selfish - or they may just be clueless on what to say, but your sweet heart is facing enough pain at the moment - so don't subject it to any more hurt or rejection.

6. Honor your baby.

I think that the fact that we don't have pictures, a burial site or even know the gender of our lost one will always be hard.  But, we did find ways to commemorate our baby - a framed bible verse, saved ultrasound photos, a copy of the announcement card we were about to send, a necklace.  Picking a small way to remember your baby helps you feel like the child is not forgotten.

7. Expect that EVERYONE you know to end up pregnant or have a baby in the few months post-loss.

I say this jokingly, of course....but there is some truth to it. I am sure that I was just hyper aware of babies and pregnancies but it seemed everyone I knew was announcing their pregnancy last spring and even if I was happy for them, the reality of others having a child while we lost ours still stung.  So, prepare yourself for the fact that life goes on - and others will be announcing pregnancies. Also, protect your heart and do what you need to do to get through this - step away from facebook, have a good cry and margarita after baby showers, skip a baby shower and send a gift if you have to!  Realize that you can be happy for others and sad for yourself at the same time, but give yourself the grace to grieve.

8. Pick a goal, any goal.

After miscarriage, you spend a lot of your time grieving - or obsessing about getting pregnant again. So, pick a goal or a hobby or plan a vacation.  I decided to train for a 10k with a friend.  It gave me a goal, forced me to be healthy, made me get out of the house and socialize and brightened my spirits (endorphins, sunny weather!) Focusing on something other than pregnancy and loss can help you feel a bit more like yourself again. Wanting to be a mother was my big part of who I was last spring, but it wasn't the only thing about me - running, planning our vacations and spending time with friends helped me enjoy other pieces of myself.

9. Give grace.

People don't know what to say - or they say the wrong things. (For the record, it's worse to say nothing at all!)  If people are trying, give them grace. Chances are that you have failed to say the right thing before.  If people aren't trying, still try and give grace.  These may not be the friends and family you can trust your heart with (see above suggestion to protect your heart) but the truth is, they probably don't mean to be hurtful.  Recognize that sometimes when people don't know what to say, they say nothing - which may be the easy way out, but its not malicious.

10. Prepare yourself for the fact that not everyone will take this loss seriously.

The harsh reality is that a lot of people barely recognize pregnancy loss. They support all sorts of causes and awareness campaigns - but they don't really recognize your lost one as a baby. I think once I accepted that, I was less upset by it. I just expected that there would be friends who I had mourned break ups with and loved through really hard times who just wouldn't get the pain I was going through. (and thankfully, you can also find friends who are amazingly supportive - find your safe place there!)

11.  Run into the Savior's arms.

I dove into prayer, journaling and scripture reading after we lost the baby. It was good for me to see how God answered small prayers along the way.  I prayed for my hormone levels to drop. I prayed for my cycle to return.  I prayed for healing and comfort and days to get better. I prayed for a new pregnancy. And often, I just poured my heart out - to a God that was not afraid of my unpleasantness.  In the midst of a miscarriage, it feels like no one wants to deal with your messy heart - but we have a God who climbs into the mess with you.  The silver lining to pain is that it can drive you into the arms of your Savior.  I often times hope people will be the ones that get me through hard times, but the reality is that our Father is the best place to turn with our pain - especially the pain of a lost baby. He, too, knew the pain of losing a child - and that Son is the only reason I could have hope for seeing this baby again.

12. Speak Positively about the Future

After miscarriage, most women are mourning two things - their lost baby and their lost sense of security in pregnancy. While grieving her baby, a woman's heart is anxious, wondering if she will ever have another shot at motherhood and if so, will this new pregnancy be okay? (this worry is especially true if it is your first pregnancy and you don't have kiddos at home, reaffirming the fact that yes, you can and will have babies)  The reality is that most women who have a miscarriage go on to have a child. Statistics overwhelmingly show that women who miscarry have excellent odds at having healthy babies!  So,  go ahead and think hopefully about the future. That future pregnancy will come with its own set of fears but the good news is that you most likely will be pregnant again. So, talk positively to yourself- you can't undo the pain of this pregnancy, but you can be comforted by the fact that you most likely can and will have babies!

Losing a child is so hard - and so unrecognized, so for those walking through this, my heart aches for you.  I hope these suggestions help - but if they don't, find your own way of surviving! But, know this - you will survive - and you will always celebrate this little one. However, we serve a God who specializes in bringing beauty from pain!

Other posts about miscarriage can be found here and here.

Cover me in FALL

Fall is officially here!   And I am loving this cooler weather!  I am glad that this is the part of pregnancy where I feel great - so I can enjoy all the fun this season has to offer - hikes, a mountain getaway, lunch break walks - and a trip to Gettysburg this weekend.

But - one complaint: my cute fall wear is a bit limited.  I will be ordering a maternity puffer vest and I have a few maternity cord pants - but the truth is no pair of boots or blanket scarf can "flatter" or "hide" this bump, ha. Although, no worries - I will be trying to look at least a little cute and fallish (for the time being)!

Here is what I am loving for fall - some will work with my current figure- and some won't work as well, but even so, I am enjoying browsing!

(1) BARRINGTON TOTES

My sister introduced me to this website, Barrington Gifts and I am in LOVE.  I love these bags and purses.  The St. Anne tote is on my Christmas list. These two prints are my current favorites (especially the animal print) but there are so many cute prints to choose from! They also have some lovely leather bags.

(2) BLANKET SCARFS

I know, I am late to the game - at first, I was not a fan, but the more styles and "weights" I see, I really like them - and now want one!  I think I used to believe they were BULKY and HEAVY but this first one does not look to heavy!

In love with this scarf - if you see something similar anywhere, please tell me!!

UPDATE: Since posting this, I have been informed that the picture (from Pinterest) came from this blog post, I feel I should give credit to where credit is due - plus this blog looks super cute and I can't wait to follow! You should check her out too - and sadly, this scarf is sold out!)

(3) FRINGE BOOTS

Seriously, in LOVE with these - I may have to track them down. When asked if I was too old for them, my mom said they might be too tall for a mom- so I will have to think about it.  So, if you see a pair like this - minimal fringe, light brown color, but a little shorter - please tell me!  

(4) QUILTED VESTS

This trend does not seem to be leaving - and I, for one, am grateful. (or has this trend passed and I am just holding on to it? If so, please don't tell me....) In fact, I am about to order myself a maternity vest. (Super cool, I know...)

(5) UTILITY VEST/JACKET

I am really LOVING the utility vest/jacket look.  In fact, I may purchase a non-maternity piece and wear it open over the "belly" so that I can still wear it post-delivery. I would hate to waste money on a military pregnancy vest that probably won't still be in style when I have my next kid.

(bonus points for you if you noticed this picture ALSO includes a Barrington Tote!)

(6) THE STATEMENT CARDI

I have to admit, I LOVE the longer cardi look - but when worn over my big booty sometimes makes me look big - however, I have a couple springtime longer cardigans that are cute, so I think if you look hard, you can find the right long sweater for your body. Plus, as for maternity wear this winter, I am hoping that I already look big, so a big sweater can't do too much to add "bulk" haha. 

I have picked this long cardigan out at Old Navy Maternity and may order soon. It could be a fun fall addition to spice up my maternity clothing options.

(7) CAMEL COLORED EVERYTHING!!

I love camel in the fall- but sadly own very little of it (I have a camel wool coat and that may be it)  Although I love camel sweaters, I probably won't be buying one this year - unless it's a cheap maternity sweater on sale.  (My rules for maternity shopping: cheap or on sale, no need to spend a lot on temporary clothing  - UNLESS it's a dress for a special occasion - so this means most of the time, my color choices are limited to what's on sale...)

(8) DUCK BOOTS

I love LL Bean duck boots - and the moccasin version as well. I have no idea why I love duck boots so much - maybe because I live where it's cold and wet now? Maybe because my husband is a hunter? Who knows?? and I honestly have no idea when I would ever buy myself a pair because 130+ is way too much for me to spend on "weekend" boots - maybe I will watch the after Christmas sales? They are perfect weekend, cold wet weather shoes!

A cute plaid shirt, sweater, skinny jeans and duck boots - SCREAMS fall too me! LOVE!

(9) PLAID

This will always be on my fall list, even when it's not trendy - this preppy girl LOVES some plaid.  I have a couple checked collared maternity shirts - but I may have to buy a plaid one too - since my flannel plaid shirt for sure won't be fitting this winter.  Luckily, plaid is everywhere during the fall - so you can spend a lot or a little, depending on quality and brand. 

Old Navy Maternity Plaid - nothing fancy, but could get the job done for a season. Also, currently, only $19 :)

ALSO, the #1 Fall Style I will not be participating in - flared jeans.  A) My sister gave me a few pairs of maternity jeans so I feel no need to buy news ones and B) Extra weight on the middle and extra fabric on the bottom of my legs too? This seems like a huge disaster!

So, that's what I am daydreaming about for my fall wardrobe this weekend - what about you? Any must haves? Any new trends you love or hate? Do you go for the trends or stick to the fall staples - cozy sweaters, cords and plaids?